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Chicken-Fried News: Balls out

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Finally, some 2020 Chicken Fried News fodder that isn’t just a laugh-so-you-don’t-cry reaction to the soul-crushing state of the nation.

In a refreshing change of pace, Oklahoma makes Fox News and the Washington Post for another reason besides a failed governmental COVID-19 response or cover up, or for being the lucky site chosen to host Trump’s first superspreader event — ahem, authoritarian pep rally. AHEM. “Campaign rally.” Or even for the inevitable consequences for a utility company in a state with extremely volatile weather that doesn’t even attempt to bury its transmission lines, doomed to repeat the same stupid catastrophe over and over again.

That’s right, folks. We’re back in the national headlines for the right reason — a backwoods castration and interrupted cannibal plot.

The 28-year-old victim reportedly spilled the beans to authorities after a botched surgery caused uncontrolled bleeding from the area formerly known as the testicles. 

On a serious note, what a sad state of affairs that someone likely suffering from gender dysphoria had to seek out amateur surgery due to the prohibitive cost of medical procedures in this country, even with the best of insurance. On a lighter note, if the path you take is meeting up with a man from the internet who calls himself “EunichMaker” at a Le Flore County cabin for black market gender reassignment surgery seems like a reasonable solution? Well, buy the ticket and take the ride.

In addition to the felonies stemming from the “unlicensed surgery,” which, calling that charge an understatement is in and of itself an understatement, the two men from Wister are charged with two drug-related misdemeanors.

Perhaps the most shocking detail of this story is not that the victim’s testicles were found in a plastic bag inside a deep freezer stored in a bedroom — yes, a bedroom — but the fact that the drug recovered wasn’t meth. I bet you thought it was meth, huh?

The confiscated substance was in fact psilocybin, or psychedelic mushrooms. Which, upon second thought, totally checks out too.

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