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Chicken-Fried News: Beer brawling

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Chicken-Fried News knows what it’s like to be deprived of a frosty one. At the close of business on Friday, the CFN News Team marches downstairs to our walk-in cooler to grab some cold comfort to celebrate another week of snarking. One can only imagine the great gnashing of teeth, rending of garments and indignant adjustment of ascots and pince-nez when we learn that CFN intern and alcohol sherpa Wally forgot to reload the beer cave.

Well, if you walked into many grocery or convenience stores in the waning days of 3.2 ABV beer in September, it would not take much imagination. According to Fox 25, lovers of the weak stuff who ran out to get a case of Keystone Light to either enjoy the big game or pass a kidney stone often found empty coolers with maybe just a few cans of Bud Light Chelada rolling around.

“I think the beer brewers cut it off a little too quick,” said convenience store worker Greg Propes. “We’ve had some unhappy customers.”

Depriving Oklahomans of domestic beer is a sure-fire way to bring on the kind of violence normally reserved for some rural weddings or The Purge. With that in mind, CFN barricaded itself inside our brew bunker and kept it cool. Wally, meanwhile, was locked out and had to contend with the marauding hordes. We hope he’s OK.

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