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Chicken-Fried News: Brother elf




Big Brother has never been so small.

There’s a good chance you’ve met the Elf on the Shelf.

Do you remember the jay-blue eyes that seemed to follow you from his perch atop the mantle? Was he climbing a ladder to nowhere on your childhood Christmas tree? How does he climb with those little, lifeless arms?

Unfortunately, Chicken-Fried News has more questions than answers.

Thankfully, someone out there has bothered to check our holiday guests twice. Last year, a paper published by the Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives said the plastic imps are actually a ploy to make the world comfortable with surrendering their privacy and “teaching young people to blindly accept panoptic surveillance.”

It’s a scandalous claim of Santa’s Helpers, to be sure, but should anyone really be surprised?

He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. There are enough families, enough children in the world that the Jolly One couldn’t possibly keep them all straight. Santa needs help — covert, prying help.

Who watches the watchdogs? More elves, apparently.

Over the past several days, has reported an elfish guest named Sparkle who has a penchant for rummaging and vandalism.

Around the Gazette offices, our elf is either good at hiding or nonexistent, though some have reported seeing a Ken doll with a penchant for peeping lounging around.

As long as we’re all being watched, we might have no choice. Be good, for goodness’ sake.

Print Headline: Brother elf

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