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Chicken-Fried News: Burnt offerings

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Life thrives on symmetry, and if our endlessly annoying End Times cacophony of hysteria has taught us anything, it’s that every point has a counterpoint. You want to protect your kids from contracting diphtheria? Governor-elect Kevin Stitt has a different idea.

On June 26, an overwhelming majority of Oklahomans voted to legalize medical marijuana, and by overwhelming majority, we mean 56.8 percent to 43.2 percent of the electorate. This is settled law, yet Oklahoma’s Southern Baptist leaders are still trying to scare us, much like they did when they were youth ministers and they told us The Beatles were way into Satan, lil’ bro.

Perhaps sensing that the booming medicinal cannabis economy might lead to Oklahoma going full-blown recreational and turn the entire state into one big Wiz Khalifa concert, Baptist General Convention of Oklahoma adopted a resolution Nov. 13 calling on Oklahoma’s faithful to resist the temptation of recreational sticky icky.

“We pray that the citizens of Oklahoma will oppose the legalization of recreational marijuana and that the church will be proactive through Christ-centered ministries to reach people who are addicted to substances,” the resolution said.

Here we go again. According to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the government organization that hopes Stitt will start vaccinating all his kids someday, one in 10 marijuana users will become addicted. Meanwhile, half your congregation is stumbling into church bleary-eyed after a long night of trying to take out Dutch in Red Dead Redemption 2. At Chicken-Fried News, our only concern about possible recreational marijuana in Oklahoma is the inevitable pandemic of ocular irritations from burners rubbing their eyes after eating too many Takis.

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