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Chicken-Fried News: Holiday rules

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Halloween has come and gone in the Sooner State, and Oklahomans, like the rest of the nation’s citizens, are left to ask themselves, "What’s next?"

The obvious answer to this head-scratcher is that Thanksgiving comes next, of course. This is the time of year, however, when many Oklahomans, including those at Chicken-Fried News, get caught up in the weeds of holiday rules, which somehow find a way to perplex us time and time again every year.

Anxiety-prone decorators face the knee-jerking reality that even in a state where the gods of ambiance have graced us with Hobby Lobby’s headquarters, there is never enough Thanksgiving décor available. A possible solution typically follows this problem: Why not decorate for both Christmas and Thanksgiving at the same time? Such a resolve would certainly allow for a more festive Thanksgiving celebration.

Before the preparations begin, however, worry ensues and the typical decorator's thoughts are as follows.

“Can I decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving? It’s cold outside right now, but it could be 80 degrees tomorrow. Is it appropriate to have Christmas lights up when there’s no guarantee that summer weather is gone? None of my neighbors have Christmas lights up. Will putting mine up right now offend them?”

Worrisome thoughts as long as 20 miles worth of tinsel can lead to herds of distraught, once-cheerful souls, wandering around Oklahoma City’s North Pole City for hours until the completely irrational decision is made to forgo Christmas decorations altogether and opt instead to buy a $200 mechanical tiny village display that deserves a place on the mantle year-round.

Don’t. Go. There.

Here are the decorating rules for winter’s upcoming holidays: After Oct. 31, all are free to decorate for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Eid-e-Shuja, Kwanzaa, Festivus and New Year’s Eve. Do not decorate for holidays that come after Feb. 1 until the beginning of February. Or else.

Lastly, if you decide to decorate for Christmas before Oct. 31, CFN would like to, in the name of Christmas, all things holy and just the spirit of getting out our frustrations, damn you to an eternal residence in hell.

Stay tuned for a friendly reminder of Black Friday rules — including full-combat shopping regulations — that will appear in a future publication. Happy holidays, and watch your twinkle-light-loving ass.

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