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Chicken-Fried News: Naked and afraid



As the saying goes, nothing good happens after 2 a.m. A man who police described only as “naked with poor decision making skills” reminded Oklahomans of that dad adage (dadage?) shortly before Thanksgiving when officers found him running through Norman’s streets sans clothing and in apparent distress. 

We at CFN might applaud if, like Will Ferrell in Old School, this poor bloke’s desire for a drunken night free of responsibility and garments led him to briefly go streaking down memory lane. Unfortunately for John Doe, police said the story was a lot more dangerous and definitely more uncomfortable, venturing perilously close to what the Chicken-Fried News team calls “ice bath and missing kidneys” territory. 

The night apparently began when the man, who police have not identified, went to Dèjá Vu Showgirls in Valley Brook at 3 a.m. and fell in love with a stripper. John Doe reunited with his new love an hour later at a Mama Lou’s restaurant, and before sparks could really fly, the two encountered two strangers who owned John Doe’s dream car, a really killer Jeep. Full of what we at CFN can only assume was a lot curiosity and low-grade booze, the naïve man and his date followed the two men to a storage area they claimed had loads of cars similar to John Doe’s favorite. 

Instead of finding a set of sweet wheels that could ostensibly take him and his soulmate to Las Vegas for classy nuptials, John Doe said he and Jane Doe were forced by their captors to snort lines of cocaine before the criminals stole from him, ordered him to strip down to nothing and drove him to Lake Thunderbird. He then endured the additional humiliation that comes from being separated from one’s clothing and forced to display embarrassing shrinkage to startled early risers on a cold fall morning. 

When police found John Doe after one resident called 911 to report “a man running naked going west on Bethel Road,” he claimed he was kidnapped and fortunately (or unfortunately), his story proved true. The woman who made the call even took a photo, probably because the people on Nextdoor probably wouldn’t believe her otherwise. Don’t be surprised if the photo resurfaces as possible Sasquatch evidence.

According to KFOR, a warrant has been issued for alleged robbers William Trites and Phillip Tullis, who look like guys who eat at 4 a.m. in 24-hour diners and look for drunk dudes they can roll.

Years ago, an early CFN staffer who has since left the state and become weirdly respectable found himself in a similar situation, but the stripper in question just stole a bunch of his cookware while he was in the bathroom. We know; she was a strangely specific thief with a thing for Calphalon, and this has become one of CFN’s favorite office retreat campfire stories. 

So pretend that CFN is holding a flashlight under its face and giving you some scary advice. First of all, don’t get into a stranger’s car, even when the strangers seem like the super-cool kids downing black coffee and steak ’n’ eggs in the next booth over. Second, don’t be lured by promises of candy or promises by Candy or promises of your dream car tucked away in a remote storage facility that you can have for your very own if you’ll just get in the back seat and put this bag over your head. 

Finally, when in doubt, just stay at home — or at the strip club. Enjoy the buffet, but maybe skip the shrimp.

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