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Chicken-Fried News: Pence on fire

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Many ages ago when, as J.R.R. Tolkien wrote in The Hobbit, this ancient planet was not quite so ancient, the editor-in-chief/Sauron of Chicken-Fried News received his high school diploma during a mostly dignified ceremony at Tulsa’s Mabee Center, the flying saucer-shaped mini-colossus on the southwest corner of Oral Roberts University. The event was perfectly somber until it was revealed through a bit of flouncy robe lifting that said editor was wearing nothing but checkered Vans, Ocean Pacific underwear and a Bow Wow Wow T-shirt. 

Decades later, Mabee Center looks mostly the same, a monument to the glories of poured concrete and Mylar, but the high standard set by our CFN leader was besmirched on Oct. 18 when Vice President Mike Pence showed up to extol the virtues of Republican gubernatorial candidate/voting novice Kevin Stitt. 

Pence addressed what Tulsa World described as “a sea of red Make America Great Again caps,” which is also a scene from the upcoming sequel to Dante Alghieri’s Inferno titled Inferno 2: Hats Off to Hell

Completely without guile, Pence told the worshipful that Stitt will do for Oklahoma what President Donald Trump has done for the U.S. at large. 

Seriously. 

“You need look no further than what’s going on in Washington, D.C., to see what happens when you put a leader in the chief executive’s office,” Pence said. “Think of the progress we’ve made over the last two years with President Trump in the White House. I really think it’s a foreshadowing of what you’re going to see here in Oklahoma.”

Oh really? Please, do go on, sir!

“Just look at what’s happening all across the country under the leadership of President Donald Trump, and you’ll get a good idea of what it will be like after Kevin Stitt becomes governor of Oklahoma.”

This whole setup really feels like discharging an AR-15 into a barrel full of fish. In fact, CFN is just going to pass on making the jokes, put its collective headphones on, crawl into a fetal position and blast “C·30 C·60 C·90 Go!” rather than go for the obvious, Jay Leno-level guffaws Pence teed up for us. As Oklahomans, we might be facing blast furnace-velocity stupidity in the near future, but at least we have our dignity — OP briefs notwithstanding.

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