If they aren’t here already, serving us lattes and getting us sugared up and happy before they rip off their skin masks, unhinge their jaws and swallow us whole, the aliens who descend from the heavens will be looking for a sign that we’re not such a bad group of organisms. For now, let’s steer them away from any discussions of Space Force! and toward the giant portrait of Apollo 10 astronaut Thomas Stafford in a cornfield near his hometown of Weatherford.
The visiting aliens might have seen Stafford before. In 1968, as the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) was planning its first manned visit to the lunar surface (CFN editor’s note: Now look, Infowars lunatics, you’ve got to let your Capricorn One and dietary supplement-fueled theories about the moon landing die the miserable death they deserve), Stafford commanded Apollo 10’s orbital flight around the moon. After that, he served as chief of the Astronaut Office at NASA and then commanded the Apollo-Soyuz Test Project in 1975, in which U.S. astronauts and Soviet cosmonauts joined spacecraft in orbit, studied the effect of weightlessness on fish eggs and ate canned beef tongue and caviar, which was kept separate from the fish eggs used for science stuff. Maybe.
Essentially, it was Russian collusion in space, but positive and productive. Stafford is a true Oklahoma hero who helped usher in a period of American discovery and innovation. Meanwhile, most of the staff at CFN World Headquarters still thinks those guys drank Tang and mostly ate that freeze-dried ice cream you can get at Academy.
To honor Stafford on his 88th birthday on Sept. 17, P Bar Farms, a family farm specializing in agritourism, cut a truly staggering portrait of the retired lieutenant general into its cornfield. It’s massive, and only airplane passengers and the extremely tall will experience this impressive likeness. However, the portrait is also set inside an elaborate corn maze, which means that one kid on the third grade field trip will inevitably try to climb up Stafford’s nose.
Now, back to those guys in the flying saucers with the bulbous heads. If they spy this portrait from space, consider this proof that the guy they saw flying around our moon was from here, which means we’re not all bad.
Think of it as a giant, personalized welcome mat. Just don’t wipe your tentacles on it, Kang and Kodos. We’re trying to keep it nice.