From the title, premise and execution, one can assume "How to Make Love to a Woman" wants to be the next "The 40-Year-Old Virgin." It's not even close. It is, however, the worst kind of romantic comedy: neither romantic nor funny. And that includes the disc's 25 minutes of deleted scenes.
Josh Meyers, the lookalike brother of "Saturday Night Live"'s Seth Meyers, stars as Andy, a indie-record exec who freaks out when his girlfriend of one year (Krysten Ritter) sighs after sex, and not in a good way. So Andy does what no guy on the face on the planet would do: makes an appointment with a doctor to learn about female anatomy (and takes a friend, no less!); asks a female bookstore clerk for titles about satisfying women in bed; and consults his family members about the opposite sex's needs during sex.
That's so unrealistic that his chance meeting with duck-lipped porn star Jenna Jameson at a gas station, playing herself, seems logical by comparison.
Meanwhile, at work, Lauren reconnects with a boy she's known since childhood (Ian Somerhalder of "Lost") and uses him as a shoulder to cry on, threatening to fracture her relationship with Andy, as does a sudden job offer that would require her to move towns.
The climax, so to speak, takes place in the rain because, y'know, it's supposed to be all Serious and Romantic. But a movie can't have that when it spends the rest of the time wallowing in crudeness, using phrases like "prickstain" and fronting would-be hipster characters who wear douchey hats and dry-hump furniture. The movie thinks it's riotous; I found it witless and annoying.
Meyers is likable enough, but has little to suggest leading-man presence. Ritter is fine as a character actress (see "She's Out of My League" or TV's "Breaking Bad" for evidence), but also lacks that certain something to carry a film. And when comedy MVP Ken Jeong ("The Hangover," TV's "Community") can't garner a laugh, you're really in trouble. And you are. "?Rod Lott