Theyre creepy and theyre kooky, mysterious and spooky. Theyre altogether ookey and we keep voting them into office for some reason.
Every state has a few weirdos who somehow luck their way into office, but Oklahomans seem to take some kind of twisted joy in embracing the most extreme candidates and shoving them into the spotlight.
Perhaps its natural selection. Or maybe rural Oklahoma towns just want their weirdest residents to leave and electing them into the government is a one-way ticket to anywhere else.
Surely thats what happened to U.S. Sen. Jim Granny Inhofe, the matriarch of The Okie Family. Tulsans wanted their weird former mayor to vacate the city, and the only way they could think to get him out was with a ballot.
Whats so creepy about Inhofe? Maybe its that hes a dyed-in-the-wool climate change denier who happens to be chairman of the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works.
At least he and U.S. Sen. James Lurch Lankford spend much of their time in D.C. Unfortunately, theyre making policy decisions, like Lankfords lax views on gun laws, drilling for fossil fuels and cutting taxes so hard that the whole country will bleed out.
Power duo Randy Gomez Brogdon and Gov. Mary Morticia Fallin are doing their part to reverse the states trend toward progress and are still making life difficult for some of us in Oklahoma.
Former state senator Brogdon also was a short-lived chairman of the Oklahoma Republican Party with a penchant for stepping in crap and then sticking that foot in his mouth. Remember when he hired a man who had, just three years prior, pleaded guilty to domestic assault and battery to be political director?
Or when, under his reign, the OKGOPs Facebook page posted a joke equating welfare recipients with animals? Scary, right?
The Brog might be gone, but Fallin is still here. How do we not all have divots in our foreheads from smacking ourselves every time our lawmakers make the news? Name a topic and youll likely find one of them on the wrong side of the issue.
Minimum wage? Fallin capped it at $7.25 statewide. Drought and fire? She asked everyone to pray for rain. But shes always looking for solutions. Sadly, many of the solutions shes looking for right now are meant to be used in executions.
The one man who could have taken her down is Oklahomas answer to Uncle Fester: former state Rep. Joltin Joe Dorman. Maybe it was naive to think a Democrat could unseat a sitting Republican governor in the buckle of the Bible Belt, but Dorman certainly didnt help his case by sitting quietly through the campaign. Cmon, Fester! You waited until after you lost to turn on that Rush Springs charm!
Its awfully hard to get people to vote for you if theyre not even sure what your name is. Maybe next time.
Or maybe once Fallin is out of the way, a dream candidate can fill her shoes. State Rep. Sally Wednesday Kern will be term-limited out of office in 2016, paving the way for her to move her homophobic claptrap to the governors mansion.
The hot tub could be converted into a baptismal fount! She could lobby to have her entrance music at every event be The Imperial March (Darth Vaders Theme)! Perhaps we can even get a follow-up to her self-published book The Stoning of Sally Kern called Sally on the Cross or Its Kern or Burn!
And who could be our Pugsley except for state Rep. Richard Morrissette? We know he put forward the Right to Try Act (House Bill 1074) to help terminally ill patients access novel treatments, but it certainly fits with Pugsleys mad scientist leanings.
Dont forget hes also the guy who interjected himself into a high school football team after a 52-0 Capitol Hill loss to Ardmore. Sure, he represents the area, but you dont see Fallin bursting into the University of Oklahoma locker room at halftime to give the Sooners a pep talk.
Maybe were off base with this comparison, though. Yes, Oklahoma has a deep bench when it comes to finding extra-ooky politicians with a tenuous-at-best connection to reality. And yes, Lankfords posture and voice bear a striking resemblance to Lurch.
But with all the earthquakes rattling the state, maybe Oklahoma is more like Buffy the Vampire Slayers Sunnydale and the State Capitol is our local version of the Hellmouth.
Print headline: Creepy kin, If you look closely, Oklahoma politicians bear a striking resemblance to a certain ookey TV family.