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OKC police search for man with misbegotten meat

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Will our streets ever be safe? When may we let our children outside without cowering in fear? How, we ask, can we ever rebuild?

We speak, of course, of the guy who stole some packaged meat from Braum's on Aug. 26. (Someone who commits a crime like that deserves a cool nickname, don'tcha think? Like, say, Master of Meat, the Beef Bandit, the Ground Round Gorilla " what's that, stop? OK.)

Anyhoo, Mr. Prime Crime made off with a "basket full" from the 4020 N. Penn location, according to a NewsOK report. An employee chased him outside, but the Hamburglar "flashed a pistol." Apparently, the worker " presumably recalling the portion from the training video titled "Guns No Funs!" " stopped there, and the suspected Pork Chop Pillager drove off with his ready-to-grill loot.

Oklahoma City police are looking for a white male in his late 30s or 40s, roughly 6 feet tall, approximately 200 pounds, sporting graying brown hair and " we're taking a wild guess here " with a wealth of vacuum-sealed Southwestern chicken breasts in the extra freezer out in the garage.

Hey, Señor Steak 'n Take, don't you know it's wrong to steal? Stand in line for 20 minutes like the rest of us! 

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