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Oklahoma senator's chief of staff shares porn, gay connection

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There are phases in the life of a boy when the truth comes raining down and another piece of innocence flies away. Like the moment the lad learns those gifts under the Christmas tree did not come from Santa Claus, or his favorite television show will come on whether he is home to watch it or not. Or when he opens his first Playboy magazine and becomes gay.

Yes, it seems like it was just yesterday for Chicken-Fried News intern Bucky when he unfolded Miss September and all of sudden wanted to kiss his cousin Mark. If only Bucky had heeded the advice of Michael Schwartz and stayed away from the perverted creation of Hugh Hefner, he might not be hanging around public restrooms looking for a foot to tap (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Schwartz knows a lot about these things, since being the chief of staff to Oklahoma's Sen. Tom Coburn apparently lends itself to vast knowledge of homosexuality. Coburn did expose the rampant lesbianism running around Southeastern Oklahoma. Must have been all the Playgirl mags lying around.

Speaking during a session of the Values Voters Summit held in Washington, D.C., Schwartz informed a very conservative crowd the dangers of letting children watch pornography, according to Politico.com. The main danger of this blight and disaster? He says it will turn your kids gay. In the same conversation about pornography, Schwartz brought up Playboy. (Are they really the same thing? Bucky's confused, because he really likes that publication's articles.)

Here is Schwartz's setup to prepare the crowd of an impending fate:

"Now, I may be getting politically incorrect here. And it's been a few years, but not that many, since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys, boys around 10 years of age. But it is my observation that boys of that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that's because they don't want to be that way. They don't want to fall into it."

So people "fall" into homosexuality, like falling into politics? You hate it until you become a lawmaker with perks and enjoy hearing words like, "Here's your table, senator."

Schwartz then went on to talk about a friend of his who gave him the insight into porn. He told the assembled crowd that his friend said, "All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards."

Let's see if we can put that in math terms: Man watches a video of male and female having intercourse; man gets aroused and becomes "one" with himself. Porn plus pleasing yourself equals gay.

But Schwartz has the solution.

"If you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he's going to want to get a copy of Playboy? I'm pretty sure he'll lose interest. That's the last thing he wants! You know, that's a good comment, it's a good point, and it's a good thing to teach young people."

Thank you for that point, Mr. Schwartz. Now parents have a new tool in the fight to keep porn away from kids: Just tell Johnny before bedtime, "Keep the porn away or you'll wake up gay."

Meanwhile, the coalition of gay Oklahomans urged Coburn to terminate his top aide, according to the Tulsa World.

"Our children deserve so much more from their elected officials and staff," Tim Gillean, board president of Openarms Youth Project Inc., told the World, adding Coburn should apologize.

"The recent comments by the uneducated man in Sen. Coburn's office shine the light on the hate speech that leads to the death of our gay and lesbian youth."

Coburn had no comment.

The PFLAG of Tulsa president commented to the World about Schwartz's remarks that gays can be healed.

"We should all be concerned about our children and vigilant against anything that would harm them," Nancy McDonald, president of PFLAG of Tulsa, told the World.

"However, Schwartz should be educated on the evidence showing reparative therapy to be harmful to development."

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