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Something Big

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Its unconventional, icky premise is that Baker really, really wants to get his hands on a Gatling gun, and black-market man Johnny Cobb (Albert Salmi, Caddyshack) really, really wants to get his hands on a woman, so Cobb proposes a trade: Bring him a woman, and he'll give Baker a Gatling gun. See, it's been years since Cobb has had sex, and his loins have hit a boiling point: "I can't even remember what it's like. … I wanna do it!"

Baker sure snatches a visually appealing one in Honor Blackman (Goldfinger's Pussy Galore), right off the stagecoach. Unlucky for him, however, she's the wife of the cavalry colonel (Brian Keith, TV's Family Affair). Uh-oh! This mess-up leads to a litany of double entendres. And also to a monk named Emilio Estevez.

The driving force behind the film is too rapey for comfort, so Something Big may not hit the funny bone, but it does have a spirited air of geniality ... sex slavery aside, of course. Part of that is due to Burt Bacharach's horn-heavy score and oft-repeated theme, which does not strike the right tone for the picture — and I say that as a huge Bacharach fan.

In the safety of their own home, viewers may wish to turn watching Something Big into a drinking game. Simply take a drink every time a character utters the phrase "big thing" or "something big." You'll match Dino's blood-alcohol level in no time! —Rod Lott

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