If "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" is any indication of what the books in Stephanie Meyer's "Twilight" series might be like, one must beg the question: How can so many angsty, teenage gazes be translated into the written word?
"New Moon" "? just like its predecessor, "Twilight" "? is one giant inside joke for those who already have read and adore the books. Squeals and screams on opening night proved that there is a built-in fan base in this loyal crowd, paving the way for more sequels.
But for those left out of the joke, "New Moon" is a plotless waste of two hours and 10 minutes.
Young Bella (Kristen Stewart) is unhealthily in love with "? aka overly dependent and obsessed with "? the perpetually 17-year-old vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson).
Angst and happiness are hand in hand until Edward and his family must suddenly leave town for reasons not fully explained. After he tells Bella he is not good for her and vanishes, she collapses into a months-long depression, depicted by swirling the camera around her pouting in her bedroom.
Bella's haunted sadness is understandable to any woman who has ever been a teenager, but as it drags on (and on), the shallow heroine just becomes overstated and annoying.
The only person who can wake her from this state is her friend Jacob (Taylor Lautner), who just happens to be hiding the fact that he is a werewolf.
Bella falls for the constantly shirtless and muscular Jacob, but never more in love with him than with the vamp, who, of course, returns and says he cannot live without her.
Filled with close-ups of these young actors' frowning faces, very little action and far too many plot holes, this movie is nothing more than a setup for the next movie.
And this expensive setup easily could have been told in 45 minutes.