In this summer movie season of iron men and crystal skulls, CFN wonders if there might be something cinematically "¦ well, different.
We envision, oh, Oklahoma's own Toby Keith busting through a door, brandishing a gun all tough-guy-like. Country "comedian" Rodney Carrington wearing one of those idiotic hats like Randy Quaid in "Christmas Vacation." A gratuitous Willie Nelson cameo, because he'll take any role (marijuana ain't free, you know).
A morbidly obese woman attacking some poor schmo in a trucker hat. Keith jumping atop the back of a moving flatbed truck, all Chuck Norris-like. Another truck, busting through a roadwork barrier as the vehicle's occupants scream.
A chubby guy in heart-print boxers, holding a shotgun. Keith yelling angrily while pointing, all Serious Actor-like. A waitress-type woman, baring her cleavage.
Claire Forlani, bound and gagged. A truck flipping. Ted Nugent shooting guns into the air, because that's what the Nuge does.
A truck blowing up real good. A guy in his underwear kicking open a door. Keith elbowing four guys in the face, all mean-like. Some dude on fire.
A jailhouse hoedown. Chandelier swinging. Glass breaking. And finally, a title of, say, "Beer for My Horses."
This is no fever dream, but an actual movie (comedy? Action film? Documentary?) starring and written (shudder) by Keith himself, and it's coming Aug. 8 to a theater not-so-near you (God willing) from a little outfit called CMT Films. Be afraid. Be very afraid.