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Vampires Suck



Writers/directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer ("Date Movie," "Epic Movie," "Disaster Movie") have really grown as filmmakers. But only in that they no longer feel compelled to include the word "movie" in every title. They remain, however, the antithesis of film comedy.

The duo's latest, "Vampires Suck," proves this for each of its 82 minutes. For example, a vampire clan feasts on an Asian man, and the punch line offered by another character is, "They'll be hungry again in half an hour."

This is not a spoof of vampire films in general "? a subgenre certainly ripe for a good-natured staking "? but the "Twilight" franchise. It uses the first film as a template over which to crack itsüber-lame jokes, i.e. a vampire offers finger food that is literally a plate of fingers. Friedberg and Seltzer can't seem capable of writing one funny line. Because they possess a combined zero sense of comedic timing, you can feel each gag tank.

Unknowns Jenn Proske and Matt Lanter do their best Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison impressions, but it's all for naught. Ken Jeong should be ashamed for even taking such a transparently paycheck gig, in danger of trashing all the goodwill he's generated of late, from "The Hangover" to TV's "Community."

Why parody a film that's funny to begin with? I mean, I laughed a lot at — not with, but at — "Twilight." The answer is easy: money. And while Twi-hards aren't known for having thick skin when it comes to fun being poked at their obsession, they are the group most likely to enjoy this, ironically. Perhaps "enjoy" is too strong a word; we'll leave it at "rent."

The sparest of references are made to TV series featuring evil bloodsuckers, like "True Blood," "The Vampire Diaries" and "Jersey Shore." Other targets include "Alice in Wonderland," "Real Housewives," "Gossip Girl" and skank hunter Tiger Woods. With every lampoon lobbed, "Suck" makes the old Cracked magazine look like O. Henry.

The entire affair is positively witless, failing to impress even my kids, who have far lower standards when it comes to entertainment. When a 13-year-old boy says, "Fart jokes aren't funny anymore," either the movie really is as bad as everyone says, or the world has gone topsy-turvy.

Quoth my 10-year-old daughter, who gave up 30 minutes into “Suck,” "It's just like 'Twilight.' Only dumber." —Rod Lott


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